A 66-year-old widow's struggle to distance herself from her dysfunctional siblings has highlighted the complex psychological challenges of survivor guilt and the difficulty of setting boundaries within families. As the middle child of three, she has long carried the burden of being the only sibling to achieve academic and financial success, having graduated high school and college, avoided jail time, and secured a comfortable retirement. In contrast, her siblings continue to struggle with mental health issues, financial instability, or both.
The situation reached a breaking point recently when her older sister mistakenly sent her intimate photographs intended for a new partner. The incident, described as the latest in a long line of disturbing behaviors, prompted the woman to seek advice on how to "divorce" herself from her siblings, shield her own peace of mind, and escape the de facto maternal role she reluctantly assumed after their parents passed away.
Responding to her dilemma, psychoanalytic psychotherapist Susanna Abse pointed to "survivor guilt" as a primary driver of the writer's distress. This form of guilt often arises when one sibling achieves a significantly better life than the others, sometimes fostering an unconscious narrative that their success somehow came at the expense of their siblings' well-being. Abse emphasized that such outcomes are neither the successful sibling's fault nor their responsibility, noting that career and personal success often stem from effectively directed competitiveness, which women in particular are sometimes conditioned to feel ashamed of.
Abse cautioned against the "omnipotent" belief that one can rescue or fix struggling family members. She advised the writer to accept her own limitations and step back, warning that continuing to carry the family will only breed deeper resentment and poison any remaining loving feelings. "Love them for who they are," Abse suggested, urging her to mourn her own personal losses instead of trying to save others.
Advice columnist Annalisa Barbieri added that while formal "divorce" from family members is rarely simple or possible when other relatives remain to loop a person back in, the most effective shield is learning to let go. Barbieri noted that resentment can serve as a useful signal that a person is doing too much, offering an opportunity to pause and set firmer boundaries. She recommended that the writer refocus her energy on the people who supported her when she was widowed and regularly remind herself: "I am not responsible for my siblings."
The guilt was the first thing psychoanalytic psychotherapist Susanna Abse picked up on. “Your letter,” she said, “made me think about survivor guilt, which people can feel when they’ve been through something like a very big trauma. [You gave no indication that you had been through trauma, but it might have been useful to know more about your childhood.] I can see you are struggling with rage at being misused by your siblings, and being made to feel responsible.”
The reality, said Abse, is that “if we do better it’s usually because we’ve got a good dollop of competitiveness and we direct it effectively. Particularly for women, when they direct their energy and ambition and succeed, they can sometimes feel quite ashamed. They don’t want to boast about it.
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Md. Kazi Bijoy is a dedicated tech enthusiast and content creator with a passion for digital innovation. With years of experience in the tech industry, he specializes in breaking down complex topics into easy-to-understand guides. When he isn’t writing, he explores the latest gadgets and researches emerging trends in the digital world.